The Writer who creates death, the Reader who embraces it with complete emotion and tears.

 Everyone has read that one book, where a character you love dies. It is one of those heart wrenching moments. Sometimes it adds more depth to your protagonist, and other times it is the protagonist. I have read books where I love the character, get all the way to the end and the author kills them! My first reaction is to throw book across room, second reaction is of disbelief. I think their is a small measure of grief that comes with that characters demise even if its in a fictional world. One that tore me apart was when Professor Dumbledore died, I was devastated. I wasn't even sure I wanted to read Deathly Hallows after his demise. It would not be the same. However I did read Deathly Hallows and it was explained why that character died and much of his life was given in that book too. It to this day is still one of my most favorite series of books, and the movies were pretty good too.

 In my book I just finished writing their was a poignant scene in which my guy protagonists mother dies from cancer, it was one of those times I struggled so much as a writer because I loved her so much. I was sad and emotional and I found that I couldn't write it. Instead I had her live to see the happy ending and then after the wedding pass. It was a scene I still wonder if I should include that death scene or leave be.

In my personal life right now I am dealing with the last days of my ailing grandfather he is not doing well and I am struggling to grieve and still be brave for my mothers whose father is dying, my siblings losing their grandfather, and my children who are losing a great-grandfather. I am somehow holding in my grief for the benefit of others, I am not sure if this is healthy but I am dealing with it slowly I think. As soon as he left the hospital after two weeks I understood it was not a good sign, the doctors said there was nothing else they could do. I can handle the facts. Today though I was told by the doctors and hospice nurse said that it will be anywhere from two days to two weeks that he will be gone. It is so strange that now having a date, or supposed date it is final, like its already over. In a book as a reader you don't have time to plan or expect the demise it just happens there is not time to grieve or wonder..It is sudden an awful at times, that is the emotions that the author portrays.

 The book "If I stay."by Gayle Foreman that question of mortality is taken to another plain entirely what if you were trapped between life and death what would you chose? This is a great book if you haven't read it.. I am reading it for a second time. I just rented to movie so I hope that turns out good too. To continue if an author is successful you are also immersed in that story and fully in that pain. It is a type of grief, I think all readers should experience at least once. As a writer however this is more difficult to write, I think because you have to reach deep into yourself an actually feel the pain. That is why I am struggling with it. I feel its necessary to go back into my book and write this scene and with all the emotion I am feeling now with my grandfather it will be raw and genuine I hope it will translate like I want it too.

 Another character and a completely different film that was difficult to see a character die was the one and only Obi Wan Can-obi, it was so sudden and shocking it took a few scenes to actually digest that it happened. I think that is what made it more powerful too. It is funny, if a writer tells the story correctly it doesn't matter if we are in space on on earth, or even a space between life an death we are there and feeling that grief. Yet if that death had not happened would Luke have stepped up and became a Jedi, or if Dumbledore had not sacrificed himself would Harry have done what he needed too to defeat Voldemort? These things not matter how horrible shaped these characters lives and helped them became the brave heroes they needed to be in their story. Without there bravery we would not have wanted Luke or Harry to succeed. Harry avenged his parents, and Dumbledore. Luke was able to see the good in his father when everyone else said he was a lost cause. Even though his father was a villain he died a hero. It made the story that much better with those added deaths, and it gave us the emotional pull to continue to read.

 Real life is like this, I mean we have all these struggles, trials, obstacles to overcome. Health, financial, transportation whatever your trial is, if you didn't have it, what would you have to work for? How would you be grateful for what you accomplished without them. I feel a huge responsibility as the oldest daughter and oldest granddaughter to try and take care of everyone, and it is virtually impossible..Yet I still try to do it. I still put my needs behind those of my family, children, husband. It is something my mother does too. I am most concerned about her because this is her father. He has been in her primary care for the last four years and lived with her. It is especially hard to know that the end for him is coming an I wonder how do I prepare for that? How to I plan, cope, deal. My first reaction is to cry my eyes out. Then I remember I have to be brave for everybody, and strong for my mom and its exhausting yet fulfilling too. I feel like I can do something for her. I wish I could do more.

 This last quote above is one of my favorites. It is so true. I know that this is part of life. My grandfather is 90 years old he has survived multiple wars, multiple heart attacks, the death of his beloved wife of 50 years, and he has managed to stay on this earth for much longer then he planned. However while here he has taught us about, life, love, religion, politics, and he had an amazing sense of humor, always laughing and joking. I remember all the times he made my grandma so mad. These are the wonderful things I will remember. That is what makes it that much harder to say goodbye, because I will miss all those things, all those discussions where he said he had disowned me because i was a democrat, and all those times he made me laugh just because he could. He loves chocolate milk and pecan pie I will never look at those things the same way again but I will always love them. I wish I had said more things to him, or asked him more questions. I do know that I told him every day I saw him " I love you." I hope he knows that. I look at him now an all his fragility, it is so hard to see that strong an stubborn man I have known all my life reduced to this. However I need to remind myself that life is a gift, and I believe he has lived his to the absolute fullest.  I need to follow that example an reach for everything I want out of this life, and no holding back. That is what he has done. I hope I get the privilege to live until I am 90 years old and tell all the amazing stories of my life, and all the amazing books I want to write. I hope I have grandchildren someday that will look upon me with the same love and affection I have for my grandfather and think that I have not wasted this life, I have loved, and lived and laughed a lot.

 So I will leave you with a poem I found.

~Life is a work in progress as writing is...Until next time readers, and hopeful writers. Jess =)

The Writer who succumbed to writers block, The Reader who went back to being just a mom.

 I know when I started this blog my excitement was evident. I had accomplished a long time goal. Writer me was anxious to get everything done as fast as possible. Reader me, was researching everything. Yet, I work full time,the holidays, and my children, and trying to be a wife who has energy for her husband is completely exhausting and debilitating sometimes. Even in exhaustion I always find time to be a wife and mom.  However, ask me how to manage time for myself and I usually laugh. Time for myself is a foreign country?

 A friend of mine pointed out something today I hadn't really thought of.

 My friend said: Your frame of mind is to be a mother and a wife. Your mind will be used for them first.  That statement was so true. The "me" in the scenario left after I got married and had kids. I will always put there needs about my own. I can always find the kids stuff, my hubby's stuff. Ask me where mine is, I have no idea most of the time. I laugh about it, joke that even at 38 I am senile. In actuality I am amazed if I get an hour to myself, and honestly I am not usually thinking about writing. Even though it is such a huge part of who I am, I still chose it last? I wonder if this it the reason for my writers block these past two months. I never intended to not write for two months. Everything I have read about blogs, says you are supposed to write every week to get a following? My goodness, I don't even get a day off some weeks.

 So my natural reaction when I cannot write is "mom mode." Which is okay because its also me. It is not a motivator to write though. So I have felt recently like this maybe isn't what I am supposed to do. I have been second guessing myself and making excuses not to write..This procrastination is not me. I am usually an all or nothing gal. So I have been cleaning, cooking, and doing all these other things instead of write. I wonder if anyone else experiences this? I also had a birthday in January and as you age, I think you spend time thinking about what you haven't done. So the above picture is accurate for how I have been feeling lately about my writing. I also started editing and took out good stuff because I was over analyzing things like always. The below picture is also accurate lol..

 Then a co-worker encouraged me, an another demanded more pages, and then a dream I had about the story actually made sense. Here I am; excited about writing again and motivated to share this story with you. I was stuck in this scene and didn't know how to write my girl out of it. Then it just came to me and I stared writing at my lunch that day.

 So my self-doubt just about overwhelmed me, and it almost succeeded. Yet, I am here again and trying anew. Cross your fingers and kick writers block on its a@%..That is what I am going to do.

~Until next time readers, and hopeful writers. Jess =)

The Writer who is Thankful... The Reader who is in search of Thanksgiving recipes?

 It is amazing to me that as I get older, I am still learning each day. I enjoy the challenge of learning new things each day. I have been doing this lately with recipes and trying new ingredients and different tastes. My family has enjoyed this too. All of them except my 10 year old son he is less then thrilled with new stuff but he has been trying it. I used butternut squash with a pork chop recipe it turned out yummy. Heres the link to that recipe by the way:

 http://www.cookinglight.com/food/quick-healthy/quick-easy-pork-recipes

This Thanksgiving was no exception. I am the oldest of three. I have always had a certain responsibility when it comes to holidays and in recent years it usually means I host the events at my house and everybody comes...So when holidays arise it is hectic.  This year was no exception. I was hosting and in charge of making the main meal! In the past it has been my house, I am the host and everybody else brings the food. I just show up usually because I am working at the hospital. So I have been spoiled I guess! I have made a turkey before but never for other people at a large event. I was very stressed. I was sure I would mess it up and everyone would be talking about the mess up till I die. My family is great that way. Reminding you in subtle ways forever, like the time at Christmas when the flue on the fireplace was closed and started a fire not knowing this and caught the wreath above it on fire!! Lol, I can laugh about this now. I am happy to say I didn't burn the turkey!!! No fires either!!!  So I learned that with faith and a good recipe food turns out very good.

 My most interesting thought while as the READER looking though all the cookbooks and websites. Was how a recipe is like a good novel. You have all these ingredients and temperature, and you make it and have faith it will turn out good. I think this is what in essence what writers do. We add all the ingredients, and after we try the recipe once, the next time we make it we change it to our tastes, or add other ingredients we like, and the recipe becomes ours. A good story is something that you read and you love. As the WRITER I am always thinking well if I wrote this story I would have added more to this, or taken this out. It is like doctoring a recipe. So I am still working on the recipe that I think will work best for my finished novel and I am creating a new one with my second  book.

  So I am very thankful for my family that keeps me grounded and my husband who gets me to laugh a lot when I am stressed. I am grateful for my friends who keep reading my ramblings and my future friends that will read my stories. Happy Belated Thanksgiving everyone. Hope you have much to be thankful for, and many blessings to reflect upon.

Until next time readers, and hopeful writers. Jess =)

Research and Real life!

 As a mother and wife, I find myself constantly pulled in ten thousand directions, I always seem to put others before myself. I chose to do other things for them. Then my research on agents, or I miss critique meetings because my children are sick. I wonder sometimes if I will ever have time to complete my personal goals, like published novel, or college degree. Both things, I have consistently put off because I put family first. it is something at a young age I was taught to do.

My mom (whom I have a great relationship with now) walked out on my dad and us kids. Myself age 13, My sister age 7, and my brother age 6. So at the tender age of 13 I had to take on the responsibility of the household duties and my siblings with no help! I didn't know how to do laundry or cooking? My mom never taught me those things. I am not sure why. I taught myself, and I learned quick and I have always been the fixer and the planner. I am very good at helping others, I fall short when it comes to myself though.

 It is a lengthy story, but at its heart is the most profound thing.
 My mom spent her life taking care of my dad, us kids, the neighbor kids, daycare kids, in church daycare. She gave up her chance at a college degree, and good job with a cosmetic company (one she adored) to marry my dad. She was only 19. She an my father didn't communicate at all. My mom would think my dad could read her non-verbal signals (as we know men are not mind readers, neither are we) My mom spent her free time writing, she is one of my biggest inspirations to write. She was a fantastic poet, and writer. She told us stories, each day she would pick out a random word in the dictionary and we would learn its definition. It was amazing. I could see the light in her eyes an the excitement. It was contagious. She even had one of her stories published. She won a writing contest too. She was so excited she told my dad. He was UN-impressed. My mom was crushed. She stopped sending her writing out, and she stopped telling us stories. She gave up. She was so hurt, but she never told my dad. She still hasn't published her stories. I am trying to encourage her too. Its a challenge she has convinced herself she is no good and won't even try. I am working on it. =)

 Mind you my dad was not perfect, I still wonder if she would have explained how much that meant to her, would his reaction have been the same? Why do I talk about this. Well in my own life I have seen many similarities to my mom and me. I find myself drifting away from my goals. Doing all for others and not myself. It is my husband that shakes me out of this funk and encourages me to pursue this dream. I am so lucky to have that.

My first year of college I told my dad I wanted to major in English. My dad told me that writing was not a job. That English teachers are a dime a dozen, and I needed to get a real job? I was crushed by that statement,so I changed my degree to Business in response to this. I respected my dad and thought he was right. I learned he was very wrong at least for me. I listened to the egotistical male teachers talk about business as if they were the kings. Everything was done only one way. It was so frustrating for me, my creative mind was screaming get me out of here. So I dropped business. I returned to English, with a minor in History. It was a great move for me. I loved school again and was learning everything I could. Still have not finished that degree, I am very close and, returning to school hopefully the winter term. Moral to this is I need to get moving on my goals.

My reading this week has included a lot of publishing, and agent books, as well as the writers market. My research brain is tired. I am making sure to educate myself with this business decision, my agent and my book.

 I am reminded of one of the first series books I read at the age of 13. The Little House on the Prairie series, I also loved the television show when I was a kid. Wonderful stories. Wonderful family. My love of history and creative imagination loved these.

Here is a link to learn more about the Author: Laura Ingalls Wilder;

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Laura_Ingalls_Wilder

A wonderful read for any little girl, and great intro to series books!

The list of books (thanks to Wikipedia):

Little House books

The eight "original" Little House books, were published by Harper and Brothers with illustrations by Helen Sewell (the first three) or by Sewell and Mildred Boyle.

• Little House in the Big Woods (1932) – named to the inaugural Lewis Carroll Shelf Award list in 1958
• Farmer Boy (1933) – about Almanzo Wilder growing up in New York
• Little House on the Prairie (1935)
• On the Banks of Plum Creek (1937)^[b]
• By the Shores of Silver Lake (1939)^[b]
• The Long Winter (1940)^[b]
• Little Town on the Prairie (1941)^[b]
• These Happy Golden Years (1943)^[b]